Yoz, We'ze goin' to College

I'm not talking about a REAL college assholes, I'm talking about the movie, College, which tanked at the box office (along with Disaster Movie, which makes me very excited for a future where another movie movie isn't coming out by those douches Friedburg and Seltzer; here's hoping they also inexplicably die).

I first got excited about College when I saw the trailer zonked out of mind before Pineapple Express. It promised to be the lamest comedy this year, AND it starred Drake Bell, who I hate, AND it had a hilariously simplified title. So it seemed like the perfect night at the movies. Bad jokes=hearty laughs in my book.

So Anna and I traveled 35 minutes to some other town to see it, only to leave late and get lost on the way and then show up to the theater 25 minutes late, where the ticket lady didn't seem to know of the movie, and then upon realizing what we were seeing, managed to be as slow as possible, so Annz and I payed full price to see like an hour of the movie. And what a horrendous hour it was.

It's essentially a jokeless comedy, with Drake (looking hilariously past his prime, even though he's only like 20), some forgettable lispy nerd, and this awful fat kid (more on him later), who are high schoolers who go visit some generic college and have the weekend of their lives! Which basically means you just watch one long party montage throughout the whole movie, with frequent bouts of hazing organized by the frat jerks (who all look 30). Parties are fun to be in, but their not so fun to just watch for an hour. Basically the gags consist of the three characters just being drunk, and not even amusingly so; they just kind of stumble around and dance and romance with vacant female characters. Highlights include watching the high schoolers do tequila body shots off of this weird hairy guy call Bearcat (the fat kid drinks tequila out of his ass at one point), being forced to clean a shit filled toilet, the three friends going to a gay frat party where everyone has light up condoms on their dicks, and lots of gratuitous female nudity (which I guess I don't really mind, though it seems a lot more ridiculous in this one; there are constant scenes of women dancing around naked in cages making out with eachother and if that a'int college I don't know what is).

The acting in these movies doesn't have to be good, but the fat kid in particular is absolutely horrendous. He's a Jonah Hill wannabe, who possesses no comic timing, shouts all of his lines, and is given non-joke lines like "This is fuckin' lame!" or "Look at that pussy! Hot!" or some equally mindless comment devoid of any humor. You also see his ass multiple times, and he gets it on with this chick who looks, like everyone else in college, 30. Drake and the other kid are completely forgettable in every way, but the fat kid just leaves an obnoxous fart taste in your mouth.

And then the movie has the nerve to get all "real" and shit in the last 20 minutes, where the main characters friendships are tested in ways they never imagined and the empty shell dead-eyed personality-deficient love interest for Drake tells him about how she was basically raped by the frat house leader (though they never actually explicitly state this, which is odd considering the movie goes out of its way to be as over-the-top and edgy as possible). But the high schoolers get the last laugh by trashing the frat house and covering the main dickhead's room full of pig shit, and the move ends with the possibility of another crazy booze-filled weekend at another college! All in all, it's an awful movie. And it was, suprisingly, directed by a woman!

Yep, somehow a woman (named Deb Hagan and who I assume has absolutely no self-respect) directed this shit-fest. It's not like a woman shouldn't direct a more teen male-oriented movie; Kathryn Bigelow made Point Break, which is a total guy movie, and it rocks. But College specifically is so sexist; it's very much on par with recent National Lampoons movies. I've talked with freinds recently about the female characters in the recent string of the Judd Apatow team movies, and how they are given almost no jokes or any interesting aspects to their characters. Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Pineapple Express had particularly awful and boring women. But with College, it's even worse, and it was somehow directed by a fellow woman. In College, the women have big boobs, no brains, and are extremely easy to get with. I could see this being made by a lame sexist male director who doesn't care, but Deb Hagan is just continuing this annoying trend. Their aren't nearly enough female directors in the biz, and she sure isn't helping. She also appears to have no talent, as the movie is generally ugly and bland looking and sometimes confusingly edited.

Conclusion: The film College is exactly like actual college in every detail. Stellar work by cast and crew. Complex, demanding, insightful. Perfect. 10/10